Puerto Rico

It's now just gone 5am and my eyes feel like two peanuts buldging out of the 50 ton weight that is my skull.

I have moved

I've decided to move this blog.

http://youmakemecringe.tumblr.com/

I'm sure my thriving fan base of one is greatly disappointed.

Nicola.

Then you wake up.
The girl of your dreams isn't mad at you, she doesn't even exist.
A figment of your imagination that has fucked off with as much rapidity as the ones that are real.
But you can't help but feel, if she was real, not just some assortment of various memories from some deep crevice of your otherwise defunct mind, she would of forgiven you by now, for whatever it was you did.
You have not been travelling on the night bus home, fighting with travel inspectors whose fists are easily twelve times the size of your head.
You are not a ballsy mother fucker who would fight with people who have fists twelve times the size of your head.
Soon reality sets in and the desperado/perfectly content person fades away, leaving this mere shadow of what happiness could be, but it isn't all bad, as you write anonymously to a readership of most likely less that one, pieces fall into place and there is some shred of hope for a half decent day.
Just don't fuck it up.
Don't panic.

.....that last part sounded like a trailer for a really shitty movie.

Vegan day

It was actually two days, but unfortunately, today's hangover took over and pizza and Yazoo milkshake were involved in the failure.
Even a little effort makes a difference though.
Back on the Vegan horse tomorrow, perhaps.

Walden

I've been reading Henry Thoreau's book "Walden."
It's a very interesting book with a LOT of points and issues that can be used for modern day, not just the mid 1800's.
I've been thinking a lot about it during my time reading the book and I may do something similar, not for as long, and to such a degree as Thoreau, but it would be an incredible experience.

It's been a while...

I've not really wrote anything on here for a while, mainly because I've been busy.
Lot's of interviews and gigs recently, I'll give an overall thing about them instead of one by ones.
The following bands and interviews were fucking awesome:
A Wilhelm Scream,
Rx Bandits,
Against Me!
El Morgan which also featured bands like Above Them and Chillerton, whose final show it was, all great bands.
Jonah Matranga,
Hot Water Music.

I also saw the Gaslight Anthem who I'm not massively into and after speaking to the lead singer, doubt I ever will be. I guess as soon as your known by Bruce Springsteen you automatically become a cunt.

Half Nelson

I watched the film Half Nelson again today.

It's about a crack addicted school teacher in an American ghetto.

It's a really good film and the first time I watched it I wrote some lyrics for the band I was in at the time, just thought I'd put them up here.

"What is this machine?

It's bringing us down, but hell,

We're all very much a part of it."

A belt around his chest,

Or so I imagine, the feel after each time he ingests,

Inhale. Exhale. Forget.

Inhale. Exhale. Regret.

"Change moves in spirals,

Not circles,"

When the mirror asks, "Can you live this lie?"

Until you're just ashes in the sky,

"There are no weapons,

There's nothing,"

So relieve by all means,

Just keep your hands waist-side.

"These are changes,

We can't control,"

Though there's others that we can,

Can you comprehend tunnel vision,

When you're a tunnel with no light at the end?

It's a cure for the itch,

An itch that started all of this,

Teach me, so I can teach you,

A mile-stone just to avoid just to avoid one more hit.

I'll probably edit this one day, I'm not really happy with all of it.

Headlines.

I think it was the SUN a couple of days ago.

What a shit paper right?

But every now and again you get some awesome headlines like "Model eaten by curry."

But this one was, "I saw Harpoon killer eat a dead rat."

What the fuck was this guy doing watching that?

Who needs to re-evaluate their lives in that situation, really?

Well, both really, but fuck it.

Paul Theroux

I read this a while back in the book "The Old Patagonian Express" which has been an amazing read so far.

"It was mainly, my other fear: the distortion of companionship. I did not want to see things with anyone else's eyes. I knew this experience. If they point out something you have seen already you realize that your own perception was rather obvious; if they indicate something you missed you feel cheated, and it is a greater cheat to offer it later as your own."

I doubt a lot of people would understand that.

23/05/10 - Alkaline Trio

So fucking hot today.

You think that but then you get down to the gig and the band is walking around wrapped up in their winter best, the U.K has no real idea of what heat is.

Our contact kind of fucked this one up, we were all set for our interview, but the promoter bitch, not being sexist she was actually a dick, wasn't having any of it.

Even if we weren't down on the list, there is no need to be a wanker about it, if that was my job I would of tried my best to set at least something up.

Luckily, a girl I've known for a good few years now has just started her own production company and was trying for a video interview and Alkaline Trio's drummer Derek, was cool for doing a quick 5 minute piece after the sound check.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2995

I didn't see the support bands, I've seen or heard both of them before, and they're really not my kind of thing. Maybe if I was a 14 year old school girl, I might be into them. I'm not.

Alkaline Trio played really well, they get slated a bit for their lives shows, but this was by far, the best I've seen them play.

After the encore, the band changed roles with Matt Skiba on drums, Dan on guitar and Derek on Bass for a cover of the Misfits song, Angel Fuck.

It was so insanely fucking awesome.

Our contact apologised for fucking it up, and has arranged a phone interview with the band for the 3rd of June.

18/05/10 - A Wilhelm Scream

Not much to say about the day.

Set up the interview, it wasn't a full band just with vocalist Nuno Pereira, who was a real fucking dude. Made our lives easier by making the interview hilarious and really relaxed.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2992

The gig itself was fucking insane, the support bands were okay, but none of them really did anything for me, it was all kind of, same old same old, straight up hardcore punk, there's nothing wrong with the bands, just nothing special, pretty generic.

A Wilhelm Scream absolutely torn the place up though, I've never seen a band play that hard ever.

One of the few bands I've ever watched who were genuinely loving what they do and having a riot doing it.

10/05/10 - Austin Lucas - Leeds

Good old Leeds hey?
Austin Lucas is playing tonight, and even though Darren Johns has pulled out, Lucas is more than enough reason to get on the train and watch a show.
We have an interview arrange with Lucas for around 4/5, nothing set in stone so we have a bit of wiggle room to have a look around.
Almost, didn't make it to Leeds, there must have been a platform change, or maybe I'm just a fucking moron, but somehow we ended up on the wrong train, getting off with just seconds before departure to Crewe.
I really enjoy this place, I don't know why, there's a university here and it makes me wish I'd have gone to study here instead of my one day stint in Staffordshire.
Found a really fucking awesome C.D shop in Leeds, with more Fugazi records than I knew existed. If we had enough time I would of spent a good couple of hours in there, I'll have to come back down sometime just for this place.
We decide to find the bar "Santiago's" where we went drinking last time we were in this city, after a while it's found, but closed, so no mid-afternoon drinks for us.
There is a really nice looking vegetarian restaurant here, but the prices are a bit much so I decide to leave that one for today.
A few texts and our duo becomes a trio. A friend of a friend kind of deal, but this girls pretty cool so it isn't an annoyance having her around.
The gigs at somewhere called "Royal Park Cellars" sounds nice right? It was in fact, the cellars of a pub called Royal Park, just outside of the town centre. We eventually find it, find the lovely Mr. Lucas and get down to the interview, which you can read here.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2961

It went really well, unfortunately, after the interview, which was weird seeing as it's usually beforehand, that mother fucker called anxiety kicks in, today it's more of a blurry head/vision anxiety which is annoying, but the fear isn't there, which is a massive relief.
I think that finally, I'm starting to get used to these interviews, even if it is only a little.
With a couple of hours to kill before the gig starts, the University gets a looking at. None of us are students at this particular university, not even our quote on quote guide for the evening.
It's weird, I don't hate Leeds, it's okay, even the university is looking alright, our cover is blown when it takes us about 5 minutes to work out how to open one of the doors in the building, time to leave anyway.
The gig was incredible, had a little chat with Austin again and he seemed really grateful for us taking an interest in him. The guy is such a talented artist.
Everyone who we saw play that night played really well, especially El Morgan, who seemed totally fucking stoked at my comparison between her and Ani Difranco.
We didn't get to see the final act, which for some reason wasn't Austin Lucas, as we had to get the train home.
It's such a fucking shame that people like El Morgan and Austin Lucas have to play pub basements for probably little to no money, while no talent pricks make millions by barely singing their songs.
Fuck that.
The trains delayed slightly but it's here soon enough.

An open letter to David Cameron

Dear Davey,

I was just wondering if we could arrange an interview, talk about your love of the Arctic Monkeys maybe, I'm not a fan personally, but that doesn't mean we can't have a polite chat.

Then maybe go for a drink after, I see you like Guinness, I'm vegetarian so I can't really drink it, it'd have to be a Jameson for me, maybe we could do a bit of karaoke, have a real good time.

If we're too skint after all our fun, we could share a cab, I'm not sure how close 10 Downing Street is to Kearsley, but we could arrange something I'm sure.

Even better, you could come to mine, we could have a sleep over.

Tell ghost stories and rate all the girls we've ever been with, just like the good old days.

In the morning, I could bring you breakfast in bed, egg and soldiers!

When you're all wakey wakey'd I'll walk you to the bus stop, hell, I'll even wait until the bus turns up, and just before you get on, I'll kick you in fucking dick.

New Ink.

Well not so much new, more added to an old tattoo.

It was a fucking shamble to start with but this guys has really made it look semi-presentable, so kudos to that mother fucker!

Southport - 27/04/10

Food, check.

Water, check.

Tickets, check.

Maybe it's just been so long since I've been with someone, since I got laid to be blunt, but everyone is starting to look attractive on this train. The generic "Unn Tiss" of shitty Rnb/Dance pop bullshit blares from the earphones of attractive lady number one sat in front of me. Tinnitus I'm sure. Spanish audio lessons should drown her out, hopefully soon I'll learn, "Turn that shit off."

I've been here about an hour now, there doesn't seem to be anything really to do, what a dump, that being said, I'm pretty damn happy, it's been a while since I hit the road with any real distance solo and I'm glad to be here, miles away, knowing no one, relaxed, well as relaxed as I can be, I'm still me.

I've found a lot of cool books in the charity shops; Hagakuri, the way of the samurai; Jarhead, a book about the gulf war from a soldiers perspective, if I said I wasn't a massive fan of the army, it'd be an understatement, but as a book, it's pretty good; and Celtic Britain, history just interests the hell out of me.

Sat on the beach eating, not much of a beach, can't see the sea and can barely even smell it, just water logged sand for miles. I suppose I can't blame Southport for England's dumb weather, fuck it, yeah I can.

Still got some food left but I'm pretty full, whoever said eating healthy doesn't fill you up is obviously some stupid fat fuck.

I climb a wall the up the pier side, when I get on the wall a nearby lady grabs her bad tight, do I really look that much of a bastard? From the end of the pier I can see Blackpool, I wonder if all seaside towns are as boring as Southport is today.

On the way back down there's a "Hall of Mirrors," but really, am I that immature?

Definitely.

I think these are really intended for kids, I don't look anything like the descriptions, "Proper Geezer," looks more like, "Wide Twat."

I think the only reason anyone comes to Southport is for the shitty theme park, which is closed, looks like something out of a zombie film.

After walking around a 2000 floor furniture shop and playing a broken piano, I decided to call it quits, so here I am, waiting for a train I'm not even sure is coming.

The most interesting thing I visited today was the eco centre, it had a picture of Southport submerged in water with the caption, "Do you want this to be Southport's future?"

Thing is, I kinda did.

Uncle Dodge

I found out today that, unfortunately, they have lost the baby.

An open letter to Argos Girl

Dear Argos girl,

I think your name was Amy, but I was so mesmerised by you, I didn't look at your name badge very long.

I have always been an advocate of women in the workplace, it is a very attractive quality, give me a lady in a Tesco tunic over a boob tube any day.

I hope one day I will get the balls to talk to you as a person, not just as a consumer talking to a worker bee, though I will remember my manners even when you aren't taking my cash for catalogue items.

Please, thank you.

I hope our conversations will stem into something far deeper than pleasantries.

......one day.

Group Therapy

I had my first group therapy session today, there's a lady who has had anxiety issues for about 15 years, this poor woman was sat there shaking the entire 2 hours, her husband had to escort her to and from the door.

Shit like that destroys me, she's totally immobilised by her own mentality.

It makes me feel like maybe my problems aren't anything to moan about, the anxiety kicks my arse a lot, but not like that, she seemed terrified to the point of insanity, I wouldn't be surprised if it was her first time out of the house in months.

The Wall

I watched "Run Fatboy Run" with Simon Pegg today.

It isn't a great film, I like him a lot, but this isn't his strongest work.

There's a part in the film where his body and spirit gives in on him, and apparently, in athletic terms, they call that "hitting the wall" so basically, the scene is, him hitting at this wall until it gives and he can carry on to his goal.

I think that is such an incredible metaphor for hard times in life.

Uncle Dodge

Today I found out I am going to be an uncle.

31/03/10 - The Lawrence Arms - Leeds

Typical start to a day like this, shit load of anxiety and bullshit like that.

Met up in Manchester before getting the train into Leeds, the ride there was pretty good, the anxiety was wearing away a bit, and yeah, was feeling pretty good.

Nothing major really happened in the centre, we found this Karaoke bar which had this like Chinese lager for like a quid twenty so started hitting that shit, this place had pictures of all famous musicians from Johnny Cash to David Bowie, so was pretty cool decor. A trip to the toilet nearly killed me, it was like the Crystal fucking Maze, you had to plan an hour in advance just to take a slash.

We get into the gig and find our guy, the guy who we arrange the interview with, he said he'll sort something for like mid support bands.

Say hi to everyone but Brendan, who isn't about right now.

As the gig goes on, the merch guy/tour manager becomes more and more evasive about the prospect of an interview, but we stuck at it, and finally got a ten minute quick one in a corridor whilst being hassled by the security for hanging around.

I haven't heard the audio, but apparently the guy who arranged the interview with us, Mr. so fucking evasive, is in the background referring to us as "those fucking dorks." What a piece of shit. I know, I can't do my job properly, I make promises that I clearly can't uphold because I am nothing more than a piece of shit, so I'll take shots at these kids who've travelled fucking miles for this because I'm a no life piece of shit who needs to put other people down to make up for my own short comings, fuck you.

Anyway.

After the gig one of the guys from the support bands invites out for a drink with them all, much to the displeasure of the giant crock of shit. But we go anyway, there's this fucking awesome bar that has loads of Chicago punk scene music playing, or did that night, might of been intentional, and we spent the rest of the night getting messed with the Lawrence Arms and shooting the shit about pretty much everything I could blab about.

In the morning.

I have never felt this rough ever, was it worth it?

You damn fucking right it was.

A few links concerning this week.

Did three interviews on Wednesday.

First was Frank Turner, the third time now I think.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2524

Then we got to meet the band Crazy Arm.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2652

And finally, Chuck Ragan.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2607

I also wrote a review of Sundays Birmingham concert, which turned out more like a general overview of the week.

http://moonandbackmusic.com/archives/2715

12/03/10 - Winter Hill

Went to winter hill today with Martin.

It's always great to spend time with him, I think he's about the only person who comes close to being on the same level.

The journey up was pretty uninteresting until we got the fuck out of civilization and onto the real deal.

Must have walked to here like 20 times now, it's never the same, I remember the first time was with Martin, I had this blog thing back then and wrote about the journey but in a fictional way, I don't think anyone really found it funny except us two.

Found some new things up here this time, a big fuck off lake (how the hell did we miss that before?) and a cross made of rocks, looked really cool, will have to check the history on that.

Even though it's sunny now, there's still snow on the hill, snow clever dick here had to walk on, snow that underneath is ice cold water and shit, snow my foot, and most of my leg, went straight through.

There's a plaque at the top from the 1800's about a man who was murdered, the language used is so fucking immense, it'd be cool if people still spoke like that today, maybe even tedious conversations would have some kick;

"This plaque is to commemorate..............

...........who was barbarously murdered....................

...............in the 20th year of his life."

Barbarously, that's new one for my dictionary, watch out regal society, I'm on my way!

We saw the now otherwise defunct tower light up, first time I've ever seen that, which was pretty good.

On the way down, saw the mound of dirt I called as my grave, I'll come up one day on my own, just meditating for hours on it, one day.

Had a good talk about how people give pity to arseholes, well, it was more a give pardon to bad actions. "They had a hard childhood," "This guy/girl really messed them around," fuck that. Everyone has problems, deal with it, get over it, move the fuck on, I think about people from the past, and yeah, I miss them, it sucks, but people get over things, stop using your shitty past as an excuse for being a dick.

I doubt anyone really gets that, but fuck them.

10/03/10

Left the keys in the room when I went to the bathroom and BAM! doors shut and I'm pantless with no way in.

Such a fucking idiot.

Later on, chilling out with my nan, with my pants back, watching Louis Theroux on plastic surgery, I hate that shit so much, it's lazy, fake, plastic bullshit. There's not enough hours in the day for me to finish this rant, as with many of the stuff that pisses me off, Theroux is funny as hell though. I dig what he does, the guy's out there in the heat of it, getting his hands dirty, getting the real "scoop" as it were, on any subject he gets involved with. This fake plastic shit makes me glad, that when I do better myself, physically or otherwise, I work at it and develop myself and learn, not take some bullshit quitters way out, empty the bank account for "perfection" that makes you look like a Barbie doll with scars.

"New! Self-harm Barbie!"

Bet it'd sell loads.

You don't learn anything by taking the easy way out.

That's weak, so fucking weak.

09/03/10

Hung out with my mate all day which was cool. Was at some student flats his girlfriend is living at, but I've been avoiding due to all the people, didn't wanna feel uncomfortable or freak out, but I'm doing okay, staying over in a spare room.

The people are really cool, it's weird hanging out with so many people I don't know like this, it's been so long, it scares the shit out of me. Don't wanna open up, don't wanna seem distant, I end up ranting a lot and basically making a dick of myself, ah well.

06/03/10

I got bit of the leg today.
Some guy hit this girl on Canal Street and she went down.

I tried defending her and she bit me, hard.

Last time I try and help out.

I need to stop trying to be some fucking hero.

05/03/10 - Well Wisher, Manchester

Saw my friends band, Well Wisher. Cool as hell, I haven't seen a band play so hard whilst still loving it, well, ever. Talk about stage dynamics.

It's shit that bands like this are playing for usually nothing while cordial crap artists fake their way through stadium shows and then bitch about everything, our luxury tour is so hard, some kid downloaded our song worth less than a pound so I wanna take him to court, I can't cope with my fame, fuck off, you have no balls what so ever.

Some guys later on try to sell me some drugs and try giving me shit because I won't, there are the same pricks who listen to this watered down horse crap, go listen to Bullet for my Valentine you fucking nobodies.

A group of guys jumped my friend, nice night out hey? Luckily a few of us were nearby. One of the guys hit me and I flipped, screaming at me to hit me again, he didn't have a fucking clue how to react so I threw him to the floor and gave him a kick into shape, they all fucked off soon after. Fucking big men when it's like four/five on one, little bitches.

04/03/10

Went walking today.

Hit some fields and ended up in some insanely quiet area with these huge homes, like a total different world to me. It's peaceful though.

Get on this main road and there's this restaurant with about 80 billion pounds worth of cars, I can't believe this place is pretty near my house, it's like fucking Bel-Air.

I decide to get a menu just to see the prices, and they're not bad, like 8 pound a meal, lot's of veggie stuff too, so fuck it, let's be toffee nosed for one day, that's if if they let dirty jeans population in eat there.

The place seems to be run by two very pretty girls, about 20 years old, and they're running it awesome. Super friendly, took care of us proper nice, even made me a special veggie stir-fry because they were out of what I wanted. So check out "The Retreat" on Chorley Road in Bolton if you're one of the few aristocrats in the Lancashire area.

So tired now, exhaustion is fucking me up now, but there's more struggle ahead.

Oh! I gave my spare Ben10 watch to some old guy because he said his grandson was into it, sometimes, I'm too nice, yeah right.

03/03/10

Met my friend and recorded some music today, a song we wrote about the government years ago, was a funny song, we were on a train and some young girls asked us to play them a song on this little guitar I'd bought for like 20 quid and we made some kind of folk-rock/Dead Kennedy's parody song.

We also recorded a cover of Against Me's "Cavalier Eternal," which I think turned out pretty cool.

27/02/10 - Sheffield

Going watching Wilko Johnson tonight, the guy used to be the guitarist for Dr. FeelGood and is still rocking it now, cool as hell. The bassist from the Blockheads plays with him and now the BH drummer has joined.

Feeling a bit anxious beforehand and getting some fresh air.

We get to the gig and turns out we have backstage passes, "Access All Area's." So we're kicking it in this little room that looks like some 1950's living room. Everyone is chatting but Wilko hasn't said a word. All of a sudden, he perks up, "Remember that one time, you went to sort that thing out? I went into this stationary shop and bought this felt-tip, it had a click top, so you click it, write, and then, obviously, click it again so it doesn't dry up, amazing." Then back into his own little world. I think this guy is on a lot of drugs, a lot of the time.

My brother and I end up doing the merch for the night, which is really fucking awesome. The band are out there kicking arse, there's something really haunting about the way Wilko moves and interacts with the crowd, or maybe it's his pale as fuck face and dead set eyes. Norman is quite frankly, the best bass player in the U.K and the drummer is also tearing shit up.

Some smelly old punk dude is pissed up trying to talk to me, slagging the band and showing me his rings, but he's lost one he says, like I give a fuck. He's basically some washed up piece of shit. I hope when I'm 50 I'm not as pathetic as this guy. He buys a C.D and wants it signed, why? I thought they sucked? So I'm having a world of fun ripping this guy for being some washed up smack head and pulling out these bullshit contradictions he seems so fond on, he's too fucked to even even realise he's the main focus of a huge joke, what a waster.

I got paid for doing the merch which was cool, I woulda done it for free.

26/02/10

Watched a documentary on Dennis Wilson, I think it sucks that someone with so much going for them ruined it all with drink and drug abuse, I like to get drunk, but people should be smart enough not to let it destroy them. I dig the Beach Boys, but people make a big deal because it's some "star," I don't think they realise that this shit is happening to millions, just they're not in the limelight, a lot with no one to care.

Watched the French film "Amelie" later on, cool as hell, really thought provoking and romantic. Made me actually wanna help people, what a selfless statement it made. Made me smile! That's a new one.

16/02/10 - Liverpool.

Have to get back in the game. Vday knocked me back but I'm not gonna hit the bottom again.

Originally planned to check out the Bury museum but that bus to Wigan, was there, mocking me, well fuck you. On I get, kicking arse, the panics there but it isn't beating me today.

Wigan, okay, I guess I can call this achievement enough, do I really wanna go St. Helens? Nah. Bit further will do.

Jolly old Scouseland, Liverpool it is.

I picked a bad time to check the galleries and museums, half term, it's full of screaming kids, nothing against them, might want some myself one day, but not 12,000, and not all at once in an enclosed area, maybe if I owned a few acres, I could farm the little shits, sell them to dodgy take-aways.

Can't find a good C.D shop here, but the Mersey is cool, I hope a chain fence and check out this boat, I can't get inside, but climbing on the deck is pretty cool.

I wanna check the Beatles museum, but every door in there seems to lead to the same fucking starbucks and shit overpriced shop, 25 quid for the white album, fuck that! What a record though. "Happiness is a warm gun" is one of the greatest songs ever. There's this one note sung, about midway through that's just mind blowing.

Went to some Chinese supermarket to get some Lychee's and then to a health shop for some veggie sausages, on the way went out of the centre a bit, what contrast, I get why this place gets such a bad rep, though Salford isn't much better.

I have my dinner by the Mersey and head home.

Honor System on the train, then read some William Blake on the bus.

Glad to be out of Liverpool, the air has given me a fucking head-ache, what a smog infested waste of time.

14/02/10 - St. Helens (failure)

It's Valentines day and after a large bottle of whiskey the night before and minimal sleep, I took it upon myself to fill this day with at least some romance, which, for me of course, involves a good deal of travelling.

I've been thinking a lot about that old love, the one that has been on my mind recently, we're sill cool and she's happy with this guy so I'm making this a friendly gesture, but it still means a lot.

First is a bus to Bolton, went fine, next a bus to Wigan, not so fine. The hangover must of kicked in/whiskey wore off and all of a sudden it hits me. Oh anxiety, my old friend, my long lost buddy, you faithful campanero, you twat. Panic attacks, what a bitch.

Suck it in you weak piece of shit. Gotta keep going, nope, not this time, off I get, and what a place, West-fucking-haughton, the biggest dump, well, ever. Bottle of water and a walk should clear the mind, I try to find the train station, it'll be quicker, easier, but I don't wanna give up, even this impending sense of doom can't stop me, death feels so fucking close, exhaustion, feel like I'm gonna collapse, but I know it's only in my head, no matter how real it feels.

At the train station, then on the train, no, cannot hold on anymore.

Off the train, Hindley. Used to work here, grocer and butcher, after working that it's a surprise I didn't turn veggie sooner, I got nothing against anyone who eats meat, but working in a butchers, it's pretty fucking grim.

I am weak, I am beat and I'm going home.

I am a failure.

What a loser.

What a joke.

What a weak piece of shit I am.

06/02/2010 - York

Woke with no quite as much sleep as I'd hoped for, but I'm on my way.

The trip has a 30 minute stop at Leeds. A girl I used to be seeing lives there now and we decide to chill for a bit. It's cool seeing her again, we were only together a week so we're still good friends, no bad blood, I guess I was too fucked up, the rare times I do get with someone I either close up or come on too strong, this was the latter. It's kinda, suffocate or be suffocated, I don't really know how to deal with that stuff.

Listened to FAR's, "Water and Solutions," for the Leeds to York section, what an album, what a band, had a few run ins with Jonah, at one point we'd took his bag, returned it when we found out like, but was funny anyway, should write a song about it, "Rob Your Idols," or something, I used to be such a little shit, taking bags, I'm glad I grew up in some ways, the important ways.

York is really something else, if it wasn't for the swarms of people, it'd be perfect. Found a Dr. Hook album for cheap on a cool little market, the guy was so grateful I bought something, Slow day buddy? These little market streets are so cool, looks like something out of a fabel, too cool.

In one of the art galleries, there's a piece by Jan Victors called, "The Butchers Shop." This painting totally blows my mind, it's fucking awesome.

Checking though this museum and there's one of those velvet rope deals, real fat cat in a suit horseshit, "Convention for the political party of some crap," the sign reads, over the rope I go.

Up the stairs and I'm in a room that links to the conference area, I can hear these suits discussing their hollow lives, living for the pay cheque and not going anywhere with it, new car? How about some experience and a soul, I dunno, I'm all up for making the benjamins, but there's something so false with the way these people do it, I dunno what it is. If I worked in an office, or for some political party, I'd show up for work in shorts and one of them fat guy Hawaiian shirts just to turn heads, have a bit more fun in an otherwise spirit-breaking workplace.

But wait! This room is filled with food! I find a couple of plates with "suitable for vegetarians" marked on them and fill my mitts. On the way out this security guard is checking me and my dinner with a look like, "did you just get that from.....?" "YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!"

The next few hours was just hitting the castle walls, as cool as they are, all the sights are now blocked by shops, houses, shit like that, fuck civilization, Danny Kaye had it spot on.

Went to the main castle musuem, "Sir, we recommend 2 hours to see all of our attractions, you have about 35 minutes." Sounds like a challenge to me.

There's some cool stuff in here, the retro gaming section makes me laugh, simply because I still own more than half the stuff on show, super geek, I should have my own show, or shop at least. Another awesome part is the prison section, you can actually close some of the cells, well I did, not sure if you're allowed, so you can see what it's like in there, with music, books and a light, this place would be heaven, maybe a tittie poster too.

I see the exhibitions and I'm on my way, I just HAD to ask, "how long was that?" "About 30 minutes." Ha! Fuck you! And off I went.

It's about 5pm now and the whole of York is going on shut down, walking some castle walls again and there's a high vis serpico guy coming at me, arms a'waving, "can't go this way! I've locked it all up now!" So I hop off the wall and roll down a hill, wait til this guy's out of view and back up I go, can't go this way, just watch me.

I never fucking learn, a big arse metal fence, high as a room, blocks my way, but I can't go back, I can just imagine Mr. High vis jacket, with his high vis teeth, laughing at me, spit showering, "I told you so!" Fuck you. Over I go. I hit the floor with an almighty thud and find myself on a street, the family of four I nearly trampled pale faced and brown in the pants. Smile polite, then move on.

There's a huge church here, looks like Notre-fucking-Dam, everytime I go in these places I'm blown away. These buildings are immense, so detailed, who the fuck spent their life carving this stuff? Reminds me of the book, "Lords of Chaos," about the Norwegian black-metal scene, a bunch of dudes burned down these churches "in the name of Satan," and the real Satanists, the Anton La-Vey guys, get it in the neck. I think it's one of the guys from Emperor who says something like, "I think religion is stupid, God and all that, but I wouldn't burn down a church, they're beautiful buildings." He was much more articulate than that, but the point is, the guy really digged the architecture, was some super intelligent guy, polite and well spoken by the sounds of things, and because he wears a pentagram around his neck, is treated like a murdering thug. Fuck people, I like the Anton La-Vey deal. It's the same in the U.K. if not worse, the most hard working guy in the world could live here, but because he's foreign, I hear people telling him to "fuck off home," this is his home, and the majority of people saying this white supremacy horse crap are benefit whoring drug addicts, I think they should fuck off, like skin colour is so fucking offensive, instead of insulting the unfamiliar, why don't you pick up a fucking book and educate yourself about other cultures and beliefs instead? These guys, they do have a right to say what they want, don't get me wrong, that's one of the best things about living in the U.K. freedom of speech, but that doesn't mean it isn't bullshit. I could go on, but wow, rant there.

Anyway, everytime I'm in one of these churches I get this urge to scream, HAIL SATAN! and just watch the reactions, the extreme Christians nearly have heart attacks, you know, just for funsies.

It's night time now, and I've decided to check out some dark as hell alleyways, I must be dumb as fuck, a giant "mug me" sign would be less on top. These walkways are friggin' awesome though, really like late 1800's London. I'm just waiting for Jack the Ripper to jump out and gut me.

After a riverside walk, there's still about an hour to kill, so I go into some "Grand York Hotel" or something to cause some friendly trouble, the security here is so lax, I snooped through store rooms, conference rooms, executive rooms, the works, is anyone saw me, I'd just smile and they would too, I could be a terrorist, a serial killer, looking like I do, I dunno why I haven't been tackled to the ground yet, just smile and everyone's cool.

The coach back has an hour and a half stay in Leeds so I find a pub called, "the Duck and Drake" there's some rock 'n' roll/punk band playing, tried to find their name, it's one of three, "the proud," "the prowlers," or "the growlers," everyone is really into it but no seems to really know who they are.

On the coach home, fatigue is kicking in, Alkaline Trio's "Goddamnit" is keeping me rocking. In interviewed Frank Turner a while back so had his number and decided to text him to tell him what a great album "Goddamnit" is, like we're best mates, like he honestly fucking cares! I'm such a dick.

Back in Manchester at a punk rock night called "Refuse to Lose," probably the best night in the whole city. Against Me, Lawrence Arms, Descendents, Hot Water Music, Fugazi, this place plays them all. How fucking awesome.

02/02/2010 - Wigan

Not much of a distance deal here, but was significant to me anyway. Meeting a friend today, we've only met once before but she's a cool girl, hot as hell too, the sex fiend in me is crying out!!!

Been a while since I've done anything like this, anxiety has prohibited me from going to a lot of meetings with people I know well, never mind hardly even met, so this is a big thing.

It was on the bus ride there it set it.

Goddamn anxiety, eyes straining, hot sweats, nausea, impending doom, gotta love the panic, thank fuck for Alkaline Trio, "From Here to Infirmary" relaxes the soul and I'm feeling pretty good, quite sure music and travel are about all that keeps me going, just sucks so much that this panic stops me from enjoying both a lot of the time.

I have to wonder, do I relate to Henry Rollins or am I just a fraud copying another guys groove? I know I've felt like this for a long time but I still wonder, I think I just got inspired and it escalated what was already there. Still, I feel like a real fucking fake sometimes. Meet the girl. Still pretty. Taller than I remember. Taller than me. JE SUIS NAPOLEON! Girls taller than me is always a little weird, but I'm not here to get laid, it's just good to get out and hang with someone cool, usually alone is better for this shit, but hell, must have been something I ate.

Talk about exposure! I've heard the best way to beat anxiety is exposure and the next thing I know we're in her flat, shooting the shit, this is not me. "I need to get some milk" she says, I didn't realise she meant have a brew at her flat! My head is in pieces. But I'm doing okay.

Spent the day looking for a clown costume, she does some photography deal, this is not me. Chilling in peoples abodes, shopping, being normal. She's a cool girl though, taller than me, weird.

30/01/2010 - Blackpool

Been reading, listening and even went watching Henry Rollins recently so decided to embark on some solo expeditions, write shit down, and try to cope with all the anxiety and panic attacks I constantly get. First up, Blackpool. Transportation, train.

Cool train ride there, awesome sights both positive and negative, from my right side, vast country and hills, from my left, factories and inbred civilization, talk about contrast! Listened to Frank Turners, "Poetry of the Deed," album on the way there, really good album for train, and in fact all, journeys. The song "fastest way back home" got me thinking of an old love, so I text to start conversation, we're still cool. She wished she could come, but work has taken her soul.

In Blackpool I find a group of kids who look quote on quote "rock" and ask them where a cool record store is, they say H.M.V. makes me wonder if I was that much of an idiot at 14, probably. I find this cool little place that has some okay shit, the Eels and some old metal. Shame 90% of it is Elvis is this shop, what people get from that fat talentless prick is beyond me, the world is full of morons I guess.

I go to check out the donkeys on the beach and there's three kids with high spec camera's. I proceed. "Excuse me," I say, "can you take a photo of me so I can photoshop my friend into it?" "Sure," he says, I give him my e-mail and I'm off. Work may take your soul, but you'll have your day in Blackpool yet! Trying hard to get to the sea but it's pretty impossible without swimming. There's a construction site on the beach-side and people are having to turn back to get around. It's like 20 minutes back. Fuck that. I'm going over. So there I am, like some fucking tight-rope walker on the metal scaffolding poles or whatever they're called, above gushing water, near death, gets the heart pounding though, HELL YEAH!

Further down the beach I find a giant stick, and solidarity has kinda set in, so basically, I'm amusing myself. I write in the sand, "HELP! BLACKPOOL IS INBRED!" as large as humanely possible, this is to me, hilarious. I am one sad fuck.

Tried to climb up the pier, no friggin' chance, so just pee'd under it. There's something satisfying about urinating with someone stood right above you, but totally unaware you're doing it.

I get deep now, I wanna watch the sun set from the beach but clouds are blocking the view, how perfect does that sum up life? Everytime something beautiful is going down, it's blocked by some bullshit and ruined, poetic stuff right?

Rode this ghost train for a pound. I love ghost trains, real cheesy ones, and this one was a belter. Lasting around two minutes, it was the most intense thing I've ever rode, compacted into this short time was the utmost action you could imagine, "AHH!" "URGH!" "AIEE!" "WELCOME TO MY HOME, MUWAHAHAHA!" like non-stop. Amazing.

I was in one the pier arcade deals trying to get onto the pier walk after hours. All doors are locked, and no action man motions are gonna change it this time. I find and injured bird, one of the attendants and I help it back to it's feet. I like this guy, the other's didn't seem to give a fuck. Like you they couldn't tear themselves away from their piece of shit, mind numbing job. I'm the best vegetarian, animal loving dude ever.

On my way home I stop off in Preston and try to find a decent enough pub. After much futile searching, one looks okay. I go in, there's a skull and crossbones behind the bar, I look to my right and some big fucking punk dudes are setting up for a gig, fuck yeah, strike it lucky, I've found a second home! A few hours pass, it's like 22:30 and the first band haven't even started yet, this is the most un-organized shit ever. I'm out of here.